When I transferred from the Emergency Room to the Hospital, nothing was required frim me.  The duck-haired kid just wheeled the gurney from one area to the other.  I didn’t even change floors.

They “checked” me in.

Sounds like a hotel.  They even give you a checkout time.  It is eleven o’clock in my hospital.  I was unconcerned at the time, being so tired and not in my right mind “and all,” but it has concerned me ever since.  I pointed to the “checkout time” as posted on the bulletin board and asked the nurse.

“Oh, you don’t need to worry about that,” she said, waving her hand dismissively and laughing.  “’They’ just put it up there for when they ‘modernize.’” 

“When do ‘they’ intend to modernize?” I asked. 

“Someday,” the nurse answered.

I’ve been in the hospital twice since then.  Unlucky me.  The “checkout time” is still there and nurses still say the same thing.  I know because I pay attention and ask.  I’m curious.  I’m on the ball like a steadfast reporter asking intelligent questions and pondering important concepts.  Inquiring minds want to know!

The worst part?

Even with the assistance of your doctor, it’s not possible to “check out” by the time listed.  First off, your doctor (whoever it is) has to release you from the hospital.  “Maybe” that would happen by ten o’clock.  Maybe.  Then your discharge goes into the computer. 

If you’re expecting a discharge and you “bug” your nurse all morning to pay attention to your computer status, which is slightly irritating to say the least - then there is paperwork.  The nurse must filll out all the papers while ignoring all her other patients’ moans, groans, and ailments, plus whatever caused them to be in the hospital. 

It takes at least an hour.  You’re lucky if you get to leave by noon.  Incredibly lucky.

Of course, that assumes your doctor actually visits you.  If your doctor does not stop by, when you do leave?  Sorry.  You’re checking yourself out.  No doctor.  That’s what happened to me.  I checked myself out of the hospital.

How did that happen?